Something different for this week’s edition of this theme.  Over the past 7 days, 4 pivotal-bend-in-the-road-decision moments have “haunted” me in dreams.  This is the story of the 1st of those, which practically wrote itself; it flowed out of my fingers about as easily as my Route 66-based story (1 chapter posted each week as “Sunday Story”, 7p US central). While this is based on real events in my life, I’ve changed all names, except 1….

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I hadn’t thought of her in years. But, a week ago now, it all rushed back. To think it had all started ~20 years ago with a simple phone call….

“C’mon, Tom, you’d be helping us & her out! Will you please just watch them for a couple hours? They really are well-behaved girls & you love kids….”

It was Nevin’s wife, Lynn, calling me a few days before I was to embark on a road trip to Nashville TN, with a stop to see them in small-town Indiana the 1st weekend.

“But,” I started to protest, “I don’t know those kids….”

“Sure you do,” came Lynn’s spirited reply. “You’ve met Amy before & seen her 2 daughters, I know it.”

“Maybe, but that’s been a few years ago, & I really can’t picture them. Besides, are you sure Amy is OK with me watching her daughters?”

I felt stupid the second I uttered that query.

“Of course she is,” Lynn said with a hint of mock shock in her voice. “Nevin & I have told her only good things about you, including your love of kids. Besides, who doesn’t trust a pastor & his wife?”

I rolled my eyes, even though Lynn couldn’t see me.

“Look, you’re going to be here anyway,” Lynn continued. “You already knew we had dinner plans & that you’d be watching our 3 daughters for a few hours. You don’t have to stay at the house. You could walk the girls down to the park, if you want.”

Hmmm, that could be fun, I thought. Besides, maybe Amy is single & hot.

“I wouldn’t ask if Amy wasn’t in a bind,” Lynn explained. “Her parents have plans, & her husband is out of town on business an extra night that she wasn’t planning on.”

Or not. Damn, I thought, but that’s OK. I don’t remember her anyway. I sighed.

“OK,” I relented. “I’ll watch them.”

“Great!” Lynn yipped. “Are you still planning to be here around 4p?”

“Sure. Knowing I have to watch the girls, I may try to arrive a bit sooner to spend some time with them before y’all leave.”

We left it at that. I left early & arrived at their Indiana home ~3p local time. Amy & her girls hadn’t arrived yet, so I was able to spend some time with Nevin, Lynn & their 3 girls. When Amy brought her girls, the minute I saw her, I remembered her. My heart sorta sank, though I really didn’t know why, exactly. It wasn’t like I really knew her. But….

Amy’s girls seem to take to me right away, so watching them a few hours wasn’t going to be a problem, as I figured from the beginning. Amy left, then Nevin & Lynn went to their dinner party. I looked at the 5 girls & said, “Well, who wants to walk down to the park?”

“ME!” they yelled simultaneously, hands raised high in the air.

So, off we went. The park was 1 block away. Well, perhaps more like 2-3 city blocks. But, still, a nice little walk. We got to the park & Amy’s 2 girls just looked so happy to be there. I was amazed at how comfortable they were with me for knowing me such a short time.

An hour later, a cop car pulled up & parked along the street next to the park. I cringed. Here I was, an out-of-towner with 5 girls who weren’t mine, 2 of which, though they acted differently, had really only known me for just over 1 hour. What was I going to say if the cop started asking 20 questions?! I needn’t have worried…. The cop opened the driver’s door, peaked his head over the roof of the squad & yelled to me: “Hey, are you Tom?”

“Yep,” I nodded.

“Good!” he replied. “I know Amy really appreciates you watching her girls for her. Hope they’re not being too much trouble.”

“Trouble?! They’re angels,” I replied.

He laughed. “Yeah, they’re good kids. They seem to really like you. Been a while since I’ve seen them so wild & happy. It’s good for them.”

He paused. “Well, I best get going. Just thought I’d stop to check up.” With that, he got back in the car & took off.

Hmm, I thought. Interesting people refer to these girls as “Amy’s girls” … as if she isn’t married. Just who is this guy she is married to?

The girls started yelling at me to turn my attention back to them, so I quickly pushed those thoughts out of my mind. Whoever he is, she is married … & off limits.

About a half hour later, Amy stopped to pick up her girls. Her appointment ended quicker than she anticipated. Though she didn’t have to, she offered to drive us back to Nevin & Lynn’s. I let her.

“So,” she said after we were all in the car, “I want to thank you for being willing to watch my girls today. You’ve been a really big help, & I so appreciate it. As I pulled up, I could see my girls really have taken to you. It was awesome seeing them so free & happy with you. Lynn was right: kids DO love you & you seem to love kids.”

I nodded. Didn’t know what to say to that.

“I bet you have a girlfriend or 2 back home,” Amy continued with a sly grin on her face.

“No…,” my voice trailed off.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Amy replied “I just thought…. Well, you’d be a great catch for some gal someday.”

I nodded again. What do you say to that?

“Well, here we are,” Amy said as she pulled her car into Nevin & Lynn’s driveway. “It doesn’t look like they’re home yet. We can stay a little while, if you want.”

Yes, I wanted, & I got the distinct impression she did, too, but I knew that wasn’t a good idea.

“Nah, that’s OK. They shouldn’t be too much longer anyway.”

“Well, OK, then,” Amy said. “I’m sure we’ll see you Sunday…?”

“Yep, I’m here all weekend. I leave for Nashville Monday morning.”

“Cool.”

I said good bye to her girls … & Amy … & they left. After I sat down on the living room couch while Nevin & Lynn’s 3 girls got ready for bed, I had this overwhelming sense Amy & I had made a connection … that we both felt it. But, damn, why does she have to be married!?

The next day, I got a hint at just who her husband was. Nevin, Lynn & I were sitting in the living room Saturday afternoon when a car pulled into the driveway. Nevin spotted it first.

“Um, honey, why don’t you & the girls show Tom the garden in the backyard while I go see who that is.”

“OK, but that’s….”

Nevin cut her off. “I’ll go see who it is, I said.”

With that, Lynn ushered me & their 3 girls out the back door. Later that evening, Nevin told me who it was.

“Seems he was a little concerned that the girls got so attached to you,” Nevin explained. “I assured him it is just your personality & your love of kids, nothing more. I also explained to him why you connect with kids: you interact with them as if THEY were the reason you are visiting. You speak TO them, not AT them.”

“OK,” I nodded. “Thank you.”

I got to meet him the next day at church. The minute Amy’s girls spotted me, they beelined for me. It was good to see them again, but as I was giving each a hug, I could see a huge guy looking at me. Well, glaring might be more descriptive. Then, I saw Amy. She looked gorgeous. I felt my heart sink again. But, I quickly smiled & said hi to her.

“Hi, Tom,” she said. “It’s good to see you again. So appreciate you watching the girls on Friday. I can tell they really enjoyed their time with you. Maybe we should have you babysit more!”

She was half serious, half joking. But, just as I had Friday, I got the distinct impression she & I had a connection. That connection kept bothering me that entire next week as I traveled to & back from Nashville TN. I kept kicking myself for NOT saying anything, though I knew I’d done the right thing. Married ladies are off limits.

I arrived back home &, in time, Amy & that connection slowly evaporated from my mind. Until a few years later & another phone call.

“Just checking in to see how you’re doing,” Nevin said. “Want to make sure the Mack truck didn’t completely wipe you out.”

I chuckled. “Nah, I’m still alive.”

I’d just returned home after a hospital stay following my 3rd open heart surgery. I was in pain but had sailed through the surgery with flying colors, so I’d been told.

“Good,” Nevin responded. “Oh, by the way, Amy says hi.”

“Amy?” I queried.

“Yes, Amy. Remember you watched her girls for us a few years ago when you were here?”

Of course, I remembered. We had an unspoken connection.

“Ah, yes,” I replied, trying to sound as if it hadn’t phased me all that much. “I remember….” My voice trailed off as I was trying to figure out how to ask why she said hi. Nevin must’ve read my mind.

“I’ve been keeping her posted about your surgery & progress. She just wants to know you are OK.”

Heh, cool, I thought to myself. She still thinks of me!

“Ah, OK, no problem,” I tried to nonchalantly say, but I had a feeling Nevin could see right through it. But, I didn’t elaborate, nor did he.

That conversation, tho, coupled with pain killers, led to dreams & thoughts about what might’ve been. Luckily, that phase didn’t last long, since I hadn’t seen Amy in a few years & probably wouldn’t see her for a while. As it turned out, I never saw her again. I thought about her a few times, but fleetingly & usually when I felt I’d lost out on some opportunity. In time, I forgot about her. Well, not so much forgot about her as just didn’t think about her every day.

Then, 7 years after my 3rd open heart surgery, came a phone call that really hurt.

“Are you sitting down?” Nevin queried.

“I can be,” I said. “Is everything OK?”

“No,” Nevin replied.

“OK….”

“No easy way to say this: Amy is dead.”

“Oh…no.”

“Her husband shot & killed her, then later that same day, committed suicide. They were estranged, & she was seeking a divorce. He had been abusing her.”

“How are the girls?” I instinctively asked.

“They’re about as good as could be expected.”

“Bet they don’t even remember me,” I wondered aloud.

“Oh, they do,” Nevin said.

“We had a connection,” I started to say….

“I know you did,” Nevin said.

“No, I meant, Amy & I.”

“Yes, I know.”

Who was I kidding? I knew Nevin knew. After all, he’d kept Amy updated on my health status. He knew. So, why the heck didn’t I say something when I had a chance? Maybe she’d be alive if I’d said something. Then again, if I had something, I might be dead now, too. For a while, I was rather sad & depressed about what happened. I looked up all the articles I could, & just couldn’t get enough of reading them. I didn’t know why, but I did know. I’d had feelings for other ladies, of course, but Amy was really the only one who I felt had a mutual connection. I was angry with myself for playing it safe & respectful by not saying anything. I should’ve said something.

Within a year, I had put Amy out of my mind. But now, just over 5 years later, thoughts of her came flooding back. 3 years unemployed has really rattled me, & without warning, 1 night (actually, early morning), I had such a vivid, startling dream. I dreamt I had said something to Amy, she had divorced her husband, we got married, I became her daughters’ stepdad, & we had a place of our own, etc. It … was … so … real … & all within my grasp. But, I let it slip through my hands. Dammit.

That dream led to more about other turning-point-decision moments in my life: career path, cars & road trips. We can look back & wonder all we want, but we’ll never know what might’ve happened. They say everything happens for a reason, but it’s those times that you don’t know why … & may never know … that really get to you.